A Glimpse of Prison, A Glimpse of Death, Gave Me Life

     Last Friday was the last day I had to appear in front of a judge for probation I have been on since 2008.  Wednesday was the last court-mandated substance abuse class I had to attend.  I cannot properly express how happy I am to be finished with this chapter in my life.  All said and done, I am a better man today than I was three years ago.  Heck, I'm a better man today than I was twenty-five years ago and that's really where this story begins.

     Back in the mid '80's I began experimenting with drugs, marijuana at first, which turned into a full blown addiction to cocaine after many years of casual use and constant partying.  I lost many things, including my mind, friends, family trust, a marriage, many jobs, cars, a home,  hundreds of thousands of dollars, my self-respect and my will to live.  Man, I was pathetic, living nowhere near the potential I had of being successful and prosperous.

     After leaving a company I had been with for eight years, my marriage fell apart and my ex-wife took our children with her to Arizona after which my parents followed them to be with the grand-kids.  I stayed in Nevada and spiraled downward into a nearly inescapable pit of despair and misery fueled by self-pity, self-loathing, drugs and alcohol.  It was bad.  I didn't care about anything.  I was doing all types of despicable things, runnin' with thugs, buying/selling dope, prostitution.  My father suggested I move out to Arizona and get a fresh start and I finally took his advice but only after I had burned some bridges in Nevada and felt my life was at risk.  I came out to AZ in August of '99 and quickly picked up where I left off at in Nevada.  Thing was, Phoenix is way bigger and faster than Reno, and I got sucked up in the drug culture quickly and deeply.  There is dope everywhere out here.  It is so prevalent here that I've purchased and used drugs with senior citizens.  I was hanging in all of the worst, drug infested neighborhoods in Phoenix.  I was runnin' with dealers and killers, pimps, prostitutes and thieves.  I've been robbed twice by gun and once by knife, walking away from all of those situations with my life but my life was getting worse.  My drugs use escalated and topped out at over $300 a day.

     During this time I met a woman who didn't use drugs and wasn't a part of the culture and we dated for two years and then married and had two boys.  We have been through a lot together, including homelessness, jail, infidelity, and my addiction.  Everything came to a head when on May 1st, 2008, I was arrested for possession/paraphernalia, and charged with a class 6 undesignated felony with a sentence of two years in prison.  Because it was my first felony, I was given probation instead and required to go through a rigorous system of classes, daily urinary exams and monthly meetings with probation officers and judges.  It took awhile for me to be able to let go of my old self.  I couldn't do it on my own.  I tried, it didn't work.  I renewed my relationship with Jesus Christ and my life surely changed for the better.

     Long story short, today I have nearly a year and a half of sobriety.  I'm in my sophomore year of college.  My family is doing well and we are prosperous and only getting more so.
I've been through a lot.  More than many, less than most.  I'm thankful I have a Father that loves me so much, He never gave up on me and gave me a way to overcome my fears and worries and bondage to addiction through Jesus Christ.  Now on to the next chapter!

Tattoos. Thanks for the warning!

     While looking for images for this post I had a revelation concerning tattoos and people in Arizona.  Everywhere I look there are people with tattoos.  In Arizona, I see a disproportionately large amount of people with demonic tattoos.  I thought maybe it was a fashion trend or something.  But while looking at pictures of tats from people around the world I saw a wide variety of tats and I had to actually seek demonic tattoos to find them.  That brought me to the conclusion that the demonic tattoo has a large following particular to Arizona, hence the topic of this post.

     For the record, I don't have any tattoos.  I don't have anything against people that do.  I just don't have any.  I'd considered getting some awhile ago, but at 42 I believe I'm past the age for getting a tat.  There's just some things that, if you haven't experienced them by a certain age, you've just missed the boat and tattoos are one those things.

     Anyways, I often see people out here with demonic images tattooed on their bodies.  I think to myself, "what would possess a person to have a grotesque, demonic image permanently printed on their body?"  This question perplexed me for a long time until I had another revelation which was, these tattoos serve as a warning about the character of the person with the tattoo.  Please let me clarify my position before you people start throwing up your arms and have conniptions.

     Getting a tattoo usually requires a conscious decision to receive an image printed onto skin by needle point.  I've heard many stories of people getting intoxicated or being under the influence of drugs before getting a tat, but that doesn't let them off the hook for their choices.  Anyways, most people take time to look at images or draw their own images to be tatted on them.  This being said, it is safe to say that a person who has chosen to get a tattoo of a demonic image isn't concerned about following Jesus Christ.  Most of the people that I've seen with these types of tattoos have curses coming out of their mouths and have no happiness or joy about them.  Now don't go get all bent out of shape by what I've just said.  These are only my observations, my opinions.  I'm not casting judgments, I'm only stating what I've noticed.

     Quick story:  One time I was in jail and one of my cellmates was covered in demonic tattoos.  He was quiet but when he did speak, he spoke with intelligence and purpose.  I asked him what were the names of the demons he had tatted on him and he abruptly told me, "don't worry about their names!"  I won't go into details, in this post, about the power of words, but I know the reason why he wouldn't tell me their names.  It was because there is power in knowing a name whether it be in invoking it or casting it out.  He assumed that I had an ulterior motive to my question and he effectively ended the conversation.  There's more to the story like, before he became my cellmate I had seen him around the yard weeks prior.  I was already amazed by the amount of inmates who outwardly or ignorantly worshiped satan, and when I first saw him I could feel, instinctively, hate coming from him.   I made a comment to one of my cellmates that I was glad we didn't have "that guy" as a cellmate.  Do you know that it was less than twenty-four hours later he was transferred to our cell.  Coincidence?  I drew closer to God while I was incarcerated, going to church services almost everyday and reading Scripture.  The more I drew closer to God, the more I noticed the evil nature among the majority of inmates and Sheriffs.  It was an unsettling experience. 

     The next time you see a person with demonic tattoos, take a moment and listen to what they are talking about.  As a matter of fact, do that with everyone you interact with.  If you actually listen to what people are saying you will learn a lot about their character!

The Supernatural

Not my actual car.  Mine was worse(front end torn off completely)

     So many people have problems with Christianity and believing that Jesus Christ can do anything for their lives that I am constantly amazed and often saddened by their actions and comments.  Every single day I see people living an existence without knowing Jesus and I think to myself how much better their lives could be if they opened themselves up to Him.  I do have sympathy for them and I pray for my lost brothers and sisters.

     For me, it's a no-brainer.  Jesus Christ is real, he has power over death, and he loves his children.  Why am I so adamant about my beliefs?  Good question.  I've had too many supernatural events occur in my life for me to deny there is a God and in particular, Jesus Christ.  By supernatural I mean things that don't occur naturally.  Like the time I had been drinking an excessive amount of alcohol.  I started the day by drinking two 40oz. bottles of 211 malt liquor, then I went to a DiamondBacks baseball game and drank four 32oz beers (spilling one on the lady in front of me) and then deciding that I was good enough to drive home.  My wife, one of my children, and a friend of mine were with me.  My wife could have driven as she doesn't drink but I insisted I drive.  Long story short, on the way home I got into a serious collision where I hit another vehicle, tearing the front end off of my car and significantly damaging the other vehicle.  This is where the supernatural events occurred.  First, everyone involved in the accident only received minor injuries.  My five year old daughter got a bloody nose from hitting the dashboard as I allowed her to sit in the front seat with my wife with no child restraint.  My wife had a fractured wrist, my friend had some bruises and I had a dislocated big toe.  The other driver had no injuries.  If you'd seen my car you would have been amazed that we walked away at all.  Next, the other driver was at fault for the accident and was cited.  However, since I had been drinking, I received an aggravated DUI and went to jail that night.  I later went to court where the prosecuting attorney wanted me to go to prison for three years, jail for two years and be on probation for one year.  I couldn't afford an attorney, at over $10,000 dollars, so I chose to be represented by a public defender who was overworked and doing my case for free.  The case ended up being dismissed because the presiding judge believed the police violated my rights by questioning me without my understanding the Miranda rights.
    
     My wife and I attended a church in Prescott and after the services the pastor approached my wife and told her The Lord put on his heart to give two families $500 a piece after which he handed my wife the money.  A local agency paid over $600 dollars toward my electric bill which lasted from February until October.  I overcame an intense addiction to cocaine after 23 years of use.  I'm currently in college with a GPA of 3.42.  My family is healthy, I'm healthy and all of our needs are met including our housing, clothing and food and neither my wife nor I have worked (not from the lack of looking) since '08.  There is nothing natural in our ability to provide for our family and that's because we trust Jesus Christ.  He tells us not to worry about our day-to-day existence because one, worrying will not add one day to your life and two, let the day worry about itself.

      There is no way you will ever know if what I'm saying will work for you unless you try for yourself.  Walking around in your own power is unsatisfying and will never bring lasting happiness but you've got to find out for yourself.

The uncertainty of it all

     Sitting in court yesterday caused me to reflect on the reasons why I don't like being in court.  Beyond the obvious reasons like fear of incarceration, embarrassment and shame, I believe it's the uncertainty of the outcome that is the most unsettling aspect of appearing in court.

     I'm on probation for a possession charge I received in May of '08.  Part of my probation terms is that I appear in court once a month for review to make sure I'm following all the rules of probation.  Following all the rules and requirements of probation should be a guarantee of no further incarceration and it is for the most part.  I guess the issue I have is I've made it through most of my probation with relative little incarceration time.  I haven't followed all of the requirements such as paying my fees which are in excess of three thousand dollars.  I also haven't done all of my community service so when I go to court I'm always expecting to go to jail.  Sometimes it happens but more times than not, it doesn't. 

     That's where the uncertainty comes to play.  The judge makes her decisions on a case by case basis with no rhyme or reason.  Sometimes she follows protocol and makes her judgement strictly by the terms set by probation.  Other times she overlooks items and gives defendants alternatives to jail or no punishment at all.  I've also witnessed defendants do everything they are required to do and yet they still had consequences because of some unknown term or unspecified amount of money unpaid was discovered.  It's because of this way of handling her cases that's leads to uncertainty.

     I don't want to appear as though I'm pessimistic, however when I go to court I expect to go to jail.  When I don't it's a victory, when I do it's not a surprise!

Can you tell a Christian by looking at him?

     I was at the local Walmart shopping and I was looking at people as they went by and I was imagining what their lives were like purely on their appearances.  I saw a woman in her forties, dressed conservatively, short haircut, smile on her face, I thought to myself, "she's Christian or Mormon."  I chuckled to myself because I know there is no way to tell about a person just on outward appearances.  However, most people are guilty of doing this as it is natural to judge a person on first impression.

     I'm guilty of this and I'm also a victim of this.  I remember one time I was at a friends house and he had some guests arrive who happened to have shaved heads.  I automatically assumed they were Aryan nation "skin heads."  I was right about that but I had also assumed that they didn't like African Americans or any race that wasn't white.  I was wrong about that one as these skin head gentlemen were quite hospitable.  We drank beers and conversed for hours about sports, women and life.  I learned a lesson, again, about judging a book by its cover and I vowed at that point not to do it again, but I tell you it is a hard habit to break, not judging others on appearances alone.

     I recall another time I was at a Christmas party and I was the only African American present.  I was sitting in the dining area with a group of people when they decided they were going to go to the family room for entertainment.  I decided to stay in the dining room and enjoy the peace when a woman came back into the room and grabbed her purse and clutched it her chest and looked at me crazy and huffed out of the room.  I frowned to myself and shook my head.  I could've been offended by the implication that I was going to steal her purse but I let it go.  She doesn't know me and to assume I was going to steal her purse was sad.  I can't imagine living a life of fear of strangers or of anything for that fact.

     Another time I was sitting in a parked car at a grocery store when a Caucasian woman parked next to me.  Her passenger got out and went into the store but she stayed behind.  She looked over at me and quickly locked her door.  I was flabbergasted.  I locked my door in return and looked at her crazy.  I believe I was in danger more than she was.

     To be honest, I've never struggled too much with judging others or making assumptions without facts.  As a matter of fact I'm pretty open when it comes to meeting and socializing with others without preconceived notions.  I have a wide variety of acquaintances.  I believe most people are good until proven otherwise.  I listen to people talk after which I'm able to establish where their heart lays.  If you listen carefully to what people say they will tell you a lot about themselves.  Don't be quick to judge by appearances or else you could miss out on a wonderful relationship!

What do you really know about me?

     Setting the record straight with complete transparency is my goal with this post.  I thought it necessary as it appears as though people around me have been shocked and or hurt by my words, comments and actions.

     Let's start off with words that describe me.  Taskmaster, disciplinarian, perfectionist, rebellious, anti-social, judgmental, no-joke, sensitive, loving, humorous, skeptical, daring, intelligent, fast, slow, undefinable.  That's just a few to start with.  I am known for giving encouragement to others, carefully choosing my words, and possessing the ability, and using it, to communicate effectively.  What some people might not know is, I bite my tongue a lot in an effort to spare people pain and hurt.  Words are powerful and if I were to speak all that is on my mind I would quite possibly damage people significantly.  As it is now, I feel like I don't say enough, but even the little that I do say has caused some temporary pains amongst people around me.

      Without me saying anything, I don't believe it is hard to figure out where I'm coming from or how I operate.  I'm pretty simple, I stick to a routine and I'm transparent about all that I do.  I believe that I am so transparent that people have trouble believing what they are seeing and hearing.  Quite often I've seen the look of disbelief upon the faces of colleagues after I've spoken.  Truth be told, which it is, I only speak in truths and facts which can be painful for some but inspiring to others.  I decided a long time ago that I wasn't going to be a people pleaser and people could take or leave me as they saw fit.  As it is, I don't have a large circle of friends which is okay.  My wife is extraordinary in the fact that she has to live with me and deal with my persona continuously.  People really should be thankful to her because if I didn't have her to vent on, there would be a lot of mentally and physically destroyed people whimpering in a fetal position.  I digress.

     I'm not a hard guy.  I do carry myself in a certain manner and I do have expectations for myself and others that are around me.  I am creative and spontaneous and when an obstacle presents itself, I am able to get around it with fluidity.  I don't do well with limitations and I can't stand to see my friends hindered by limitations.  People say they've got problems, well I've got solutions.

     I don't say anything I don't mean and I don't like repeating myself nor do I like being taken for as a joke.  I will give anything I have if I'm able to and I will always listen to anyone who wants to talk.  All I ask for is for people not to come at me with any kind of bull$#!+ because I will be quick to remind you of who you are talking to!

I've got to "keep it real" with my recovery

     I haven't lost focus on my sobriety and I continue in it everyday. Over the last year and a half I've made great changes in my life including breaking the bondage cocaine had over my life for twenty-plus years. However, I struggled with the precept that I had to let go of ALL substances. I can rationalize all day how twenty-four ounces of beer everyday isn't going to kill me or cause issues. I can point out that I'm not violent nor do I drive, that I have a 3.44 GPA in college, and that I'm liked by most people I know. But in my heart I know I have to let this go. No matter how harmless I may think it is, I still made a poor decision to use it knowing full well that I'm not supposed to drink because I'm on probation and there are consequences. Anytime a person knowingly goes against truth or law, that is an indicator there is a problem.

     I've been disappointed in myself for awhile now because I know what I'm supposed to be doing and yet I was choosing not to do it and justifying my behavior with the notion that I'm grown and can do what I want to do. A true indicator of a person reaching and acting as an adult is being able to deny oneself and make difficult decisions for truth and right, not rationalizing a behavior in order to please self. Thank you all for listening. I'm really talking to myself but I am transparent and I am not ashamed or afraid to share my thoughts, failures and successes with anyone, especially people I consider friends!