Doing the 12-step dance

     Man, I love The Lord.  My days are blessed and my spirit is peaceful.  Glad to be here.

     I went to a twelve step CA(cocaine anonymous) meeting last night and had a revelation this morning that I must share with you.  First, I must say, I don't normally attend twelve-step meetings.  For me, they're not appealing.  In the past, I've attended many meetings, CA, AA, NA, SA, CMA.  Speaker meetings, panel meetings, one on ones, you name it, and after attending one last night something dawned on me about why I'm not particularly fond of these meetings.  They're stale!  There's my revelation in a nutshell.  All of those meetings I previously attended all resembled each other, from the people, to the conversations, to the shared stories, to the format in which they were presented in.  That's the problem.

     Addictions are diseases, and like all diseases, the treatments for them become ineffective after awhile.  Nature shows us that diseases become resistant to the treatments that are applied to them and therefore treatments have to change as do the diseases.  This same logic can be applied to addictions and the treatments for them, including the twelve-step program.  AA was formed in the thirties, and as far as I can tell, there hasn't been much change in the formula since it originated.  However, the dynamics of our society have changed drastically since then and it's easy to conclude that addictions today are progressed compared to 1934.

      So, as I was sitting in the meeting last night, I was consciously trying to find good points, but my flesh was resisting and constantly pointing out to me things that were wack, ridiculous, and offensive.  I prayed and asked The Father to allow my spirit to see the value and good things of the meeting.  I tuned into other people and what they were saying and how they were responding.  It wasn't until this morning that I received the revelation about my feelings toward twelve-steps and the solution that would benefit everyone involved with twelve-step programs.

     The Solution:  SHAKE UP THE PROGRAM!  Each and every member must tap into their creativity and bring something new to the twelve-step program.  Stop imitating old doctrines and sayings and start creating fresh and new ideas.  Here's an example.  The saying, "hitting my knees" in reference to praying, is played out.  Not only that, but when you use that terminology, you don't sound genuine.  You sound like you heard countless other people say the same exact phrase and you can't think of anything original.  As a matter of fact, I've never heard that phrase used outside of twelve-step meetings.  That's wack!  I'm not knocking any ones religious practices but when you have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ or whoever your higher power is, you should express your love with originality, not some over used expression.

     I believe some deep revisions need to be made to the twelve-step program in order to bring it up to date in the twenty first century.  Change is a good thing.  As diseases mutate and adapt to the treatments applied to them, the treatments must mutate and adapt to the diseases to conquer them!

Healthy relationships

     I don't usually offer my opinion on relationships, especially considering how many I've fouled up, but today I will give some insight as more than a few people around me seem to be struggling in this area.

     I purposely am not using any names and the situations I'm using are hypothetical, so don't go assuming I'm talking about you in particular if you're reading this.  Relax.  That's probably part of your problems in the first place, you can't relax.  Chill!

     Anyways, I believe we were all created with an equal mate, of the opposite sex, made specifically for us.  Finding that person seems to be the trick.  However, I believe that specific person is closer than you may think.  The first steps in finding that person require you to find YOURSELF FIRST!  It is not humanly possible to find happiness and love with another person if you haven't found those things in yourself.

     As you find out who you are, it's okay to find out who other people are, just realize they are as weak and frail and strong and hard as you are.  Now that being said, let's get started.

Hypothetical situation:  I love person A.  Person A loves me too, just not in the same way as I love them.  This is troubling.  I do a lot of things to make person A feel comfortable, loved and wanted, but person A is not responding in the way I want person A to respond.  Now, person A doesn't want to be in the kind of relationship that I want to be in and we go no further.  I'm devastated and I'm still holding out hope of a reconciliation with person A though person A has moved forward.

     Now, as I see it, with all of my wonderful experience, it's like this, we all deserve to be loved by someone else equally, if not more, than the love we are showing them.  Not only that, but there is someone out there, for us, that can actually do that.  If you're in a relationship and the person is not responding in a way that is acceptable to you, you must tell that person what is troubling you.  This gives the person an opportunity to explain themselves and respond to you.  If their response isn't satisfactory, then YOU need decide if you can accept them as they are.  DO NOT throw gas on the fire and hope to put it out, meaning, don't continue in your same pattern, in the relationship, hoping this person will eventually "come around".  You can't make anyone "come around" no matter how much love you heap upon them, anger you hurl at them, or tears you drown them with.  If a person has decided not to love you or is not capable to do so, it's okay.  This person wasn't THE ONE.  It happens.  Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, wish that person only the best, and start giving yourself the best!

Always thankful!

     You all know I love The Father and The Son, Jesus Christ.  I can't say it enough as I have so much to be thankful for even if it doesn't appear so to others.  Giving praise to The Father for all things has radically changed my perspective on everything.  It seems easy to give praise to God when things are going good in your life, but if you can praise God when you are going through turmoil or trials you'll receive grace and peace that will bring you through your trials.  If you're consistent in this practice, trials and problems won't affect you.  When you come against adversity, you won't stumble.  Why?  Because if you're giving praise to The Father through good and bad times you are showing and telling God you love Him and trust Him no matter what you are going through.

     I know a lot of you out there may be having trouble believing this concept because you're situation is extreme and you can't see past or over it, but I'm telling you, if you give praise and love to God while you're in the midst of darkness, The Father will honor you, comfort you, and put His Grace and peace on you.

     I'm at a place in my life where I don't have to have everything go my way.  I let go of my will, my flesh, and became satisfied with what I have.  And here's the kicker.  I keep receiving more and more blessings.  Every day is a blessing.  I can't wait to see what's in store for tomorrow.  I ask The Lord to show me ways in how I can help others every day because I don't feel like I'm doing enough for others.  I'm patient though, and with patience good things happen.  My stress level is non-existent.  My happiness is beyond my comprehension but it's there none the less!

In The Addict Issue #3 Vol. 1 NITTY! An interview with a drug dealer

     This issue of In The Addict is an interview I did with a drug dealer.  I use to be around these individuals a lot, and I saw things, and was exposed to things the average person doesn't see or know.  Some of the language may be a little rough, but I tried to clean it up without taking away from the story.  I'm not trying to offend anyone, yet, if you have an ounce of respectability, a sense of moral reasoning, then you should be offended.

     His name is Nitty.  He's twenty-three years old and lives with his girl and their baby.  He's a low level street soldier, and by that, I mean, he's one step above your average dealer.  He moves an ounce or so of crack cocaine everyday and he smokes about a twenty sack of high grade marijuana every day.  He posts up at an apartment complex in central Phoenix that's a hot spot with lots of traffic.  Most of the other dealers there are his folks, and all the dope fiends know him because he's got the biggest product for the money.  He seldom gives fronts(dope on credit), and if he does, it's at high interest.  He may give you a twenty dollar front but he'll charge you thirty for it and you better pay it back promptly or else risk a physical confrontation.

Q.  So how did you get started selling dope?

A.  My boy's was sellin' an' havin' paper an' cars an' females an' sh*t so it was just a matter of time, plus my moms smokes dope(crack) and she be havin' other ballas givin' her sh*t and what not.  Dope was always around me, so it don't take a rocket scientist to figure out I'd probably be bangin' an' slangin'.

Q.  Besides money, why do you sell?

A.  Is there any other reason?  I don't do this sh*t for fun n*gga.  This is how I eat.  This is how I pay my rent and my car note.  Sh*t ain't free in this muthaf*cka.  N*ggas ain't tryin' to help me out when I'm short.  When I don't have someones money, they don't send a collection notice to my house, they send some n*ggas over dumpin' on my sh*t.

Q.  When you say "dumpin", you mean "shooting at you"?

A.  Ya.  This sh*t ain't no joke n*gga.  This sh*t ain't no fun an' muthaf*ckin' games n*gga.  This sh*t is real.  I know n*ggas that be in this game an be bullsh*ttin' about their money, and those be the same n*ggas that don't have nuthin' and be gettin' caught up by police and snitchin' an' sh*t.  Those be the same n*ggas that come up missin'.

Q.  You mean, dead?

A.  That's exactly what I mean n*gga!

Q.  Have you ever killed anybody?

A.  I'm a tell you like this, and don't ever forget what I'm about to say:  REAL KILLAZ DON'T TALK!

Q.  So that's your answer?

A.                         (silence)

Q.  I know what you mean when you say some dealers aren't about their money.  One time I called a dealer at three in the morning to buy a half ounce($300) and he said he was asleep and call him back at ten a.m.  Why would he pass up that money?  Doesn't he realize there's more than one dealer selling dope?

A.  I can't speak for that n*gga, but if you would've called me, I would've taken care of you.  I don't shut down, but after ten p.m. you gotta have fifty dollars or more.  I'm in this sh*t to get paid.  Like E-40 said, "get in and get out without slippin' in it.  I'm not tryin' to be in this game for twenty years and ain't got nuthin, and I ain't tryin' to get caught up behind this bullsh*t.

Q.  So, do you have a set date on when you're getting out of the dope game?

A.  Kinda.  It's more like a money goal.  When I get two hundred, two hundred and fifty gees put away, then I'm out.

Q.  How close are you to that goal?

A.  Not close enough!

Q.  Do you feel bad or guilty for selling poison to people?

A.  I look at it like this, they(crackheads) do what they do.  If they don't get it from me, they'll get it from someone else, so why shouldn't I get paid?  I don't give a f*ck about these fools.  I didn't make them start smokin' crack.  I didn't put a pipe in their mouth and tell them to hit it.  I didn't tell them to sell everything they got or go turn tricks to get money, or go out and steal some sh*t, or spend their rent money and food stamps on this sh*t.  They make their own choices, I just supply them with what they need.  If they want to throw their lives away, so be it.  Just give me your money and go die somewhere else.

Q.  That's pretty cold.  Do you care about anything outside of yourself?

A.  It's a cold world n*gga.  All I care about is gettin' this money!

     I did this interview awhile ago and I haven't seen or heard from Nitty since.  I heard he was killed, but I have no way of confirming it.  His story isn't extraordinary or even uncommon.  There's thousands of dealers across the country doing the same thing as he was.  I wanted to share this so people, addicts, could see that dope dealers don't care about you or your family.  They'll sell you dope until you die and then spit on your grave.

     If you're an addict, I encourage you to get help.  The first and easiest thing to do is to pray to The Father and The Son Jesus Christ and ask to be brought out of the bondage of addiction.  Addiction is bigger than you and you cannot do it on your own or in your own power, however, nothing is "too big" for God.  You don't have anything to lose by going to God and everything to gain!http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dF7cLsABmbk

Kickin' addiction

     Man, if you've ever struggled with an addiction of any kind, you know how hard it is to give it up.  The task seems impossible, and sometimes it seems like it will never go away, but I tell you that you can overcome whatever addiction has you in bondage.  All you have to do is give it to Jesus Christ.  It's that simple.

     I can hear mumblin' and grumblin' out there but if you want to overcome your addictions, permanently, you have to give them to Christ.  You have to choose Jesus, which in essence is choosing life.  I can't see how that's a problem for some of you out there.  You've been choosing to do the things that please your flesh and all that's gotten you was temporary pleasure and agonizing pain and misery.  Being addicted to anything sucks because it takes away your will.  I don't know about you, but I didn't enjoy losing control of my life to drugs.  I lost a lot of things because I let drugs become my god.  How much more do YOU have to lose before you take your life back?


      Anyways, check out my latest installment in my Recovery in Jesus series on You Tube.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PIzMTjvW_1s  I'm offering encouragement to those of you out there who are struggling with the bondage of addiction.  I've been thru the fire and I can help you get thru it too!!

The Perfect Day!

     I was ear hustlin' a conversation between some students earlier and they were talking about a class assignment where they had to write a short essay on what they considered to be the perfect day.  One gentleman said, "my perfect day is a day with no stress, no worries", after which another gentleman immediately said, "oh, that'll never happen", and the first gentleman agreed.

     Man, that's sad.  It made me reflect, again, on how good The Father is, because I'm in a place where I don't worry about, or recognize "everyday stress".  Scripture says, "let each day worry about itself" and "worry about nothing and pray about everything".  Both of those are powerful truths and anyone who can grasp those concepts can start a process to be free from stress.

     I believe we can choose to stress out on things or we can really give our worries and problems to God.  Let me give you an example.  I'm currently on probation and will continue to be until early next year.  My first probation officer and the Commissioner both had me stressed out because of the things they were asking of me.  It mainly came down to money and I'm unemployed, so I was stressed out from worrying about how I was going to meet these obligations.  I finally quit worrying and said to myself, "what's the worst that could happen".  As far as I was concerned, the worst that could happen was I would go to jail.  So be it.  You can't get blood out of a turnip and squeezing money out of my barren pockets isn't going to happen.  So I quit stressin' and put together my financial report for the past ten years and the next three.  I gathered social security statements, court documents, collection notices and my college enrollment forms and gave them all to my probation officer.  He, in turn, gave them to the commissioner and something incredible happened.  They quit sending me to jail for non-payment violations.

     Now, I give all credit for my peace of mind to Jesus Christ. Why? Because when I put my faith in Him, I see a whole different reality than the one of this world presents.  If God is for me, who can be against me?

Barry Bonds! Love him or hate him, He's still the Best!

     I don't care what anyone says about the man, I'm a Barry Bonds fan.  I think I became more of a fan of his just because of all the resistance and general dislike he was getting.  He's got to be doing something right if he can get that many people to hate him.

     Anyways, he's going to court this week over his perjury case.  In a nutshell, he's accused of lying to a grand jury concerning steroid use.  In particular, he said he never "knowingly" used steroids which is being disputed by the powers that be.

     My opinion regarding his steroid use and steroid use in sports is this, I don't care.  I assumed that most modern-day athletes are on some kind of performance enhancing drug anyways, and the further this investigation goes, the more athletes caught.

     Personally, I believe Barry used steroids, but steroids can't help you hit a baseball, you still have to have hand/eye coordination.  You've still got to put the bat on the ball, which doesn't get easier just because you're bigger.  I've heard people talking about keeping him out of the Hall of Fame, putting an asterisk next to his name and much more.  If your dispute with Barry is, he wouldn't have hit as many home runs had he not have been on steroids, then I have a solution for you.  First, find the average distance Babe Ruth and Hank Aaron hit their home runs.  Then, take away any home runs Barry hit farther than their average.  Next, add a home run for every at bat Barry had where he struck out against a pitcher that has been caught or suspected of using steroids.  This should give an accurate number of home runs.

     Obviously I'm a Giants fan, have been since as long as I can remember.  My middle name is Orlando, named after famous Giants first baseman Orlando Cepeda.  I've followed the Giants for years and to me, Barry is the greatest and most memorable Giant ever.  I love all the things most people hate about him.  He's not fan friendly, nor does he grant many interviews.  The media villainized(my own word) him to the point that when he exited the League, barely anyone noticed.  I remember how happy I was when it was discovered that Roger Clemens had tested positive for steroids.  I was like, yes, now get off of Barry Bonds back about steroids because the Golden boy of baseball just tested positive.

     Now I don't know how Barry's current court troubles will play out.  I believe he saved his butt by his statement, but we will see.  I support you one hundred percent Barry and good luck!

In The Addict Issue #2 Vol. 1 THE ZONE!

     This edition of In The Addict is about my experiences in the drug-infested neighborhood in Phoenix known as The Zone.

     The Zone is a hell of a place to hang at, and I put the emphasis on the word, "hell".  The Zone is approximately a square mile of drug-infested, residential and commercial area, where crackheads, tweakers and homeless people go to get dope and get high.  On any given day and at all hours, you can find crack, meth, weed and heroin in this little area, which is only blocks from Phoenix Police headquarters, Maricopa County Sheriffs headquarters and county jail(the Matrix).  It's amazing how few people are worried about being arrested, but then again, police presence is a bare minimum there, go figure.

      Back in the day, I spent a lot of time in The Zone gettin' high.  Matter of fact, The Zone was the first place I scored some crack, when I arrived in Phoenix in '99.  I bought a $20 that was so fat,(compared to where I'm from) that I didn't believe it was real.  I complained loudly until someone quickly gave me a pipe and I hit it right there on the street.  I was "stuck" for a few hours, spent another $30, then finally went home.  After that day, I would spend many more days there, and eventually move into The Zone.  In a seven-year period, I spent between three and four thousand dollars in The Zone, which is at or below average of what I spent in other locations in Phoenix.  If I had to take an educated guess, I would say about two keys (kilograms) a week of cocaine, moves thru The Zone, give or take an ounce or two.

     So how has The Zone been allowed to exist for so long in Joe Arpiao's back yard?  This guy is supposed to be the "toughest sheriff in the country" yet anyone can smoke or shoot up dope right next to his hang out with little to worry about as far as law enforcement is concerned.  You don't have to be a detective to see that someone in Arpaio's camp is getting paid off.  Stevie Wonder could see something is amiss when you look at how long The Zone has been a major spot to buy or sell dope.  Has there ever been an effort to reclaim this drug-infested neighborhood from dealers and tweakers?

     The Zone has changed over the years.  There are  more facilities to help the homeless, there's gentrification in the surrounding areas.  A lot of faces have changed, but one thing remains the same.  Dope.  I've never seen the same dealer down there.  I guess there's a high turn-over rate in the drug dealing business.  The thing about The Zone is, anything goes, down there.  When I was low on money, I could trade pills, alcohol, clothes or pretty much anything of value to get dope.

      I've seen a lot of things in my relatively short 41 years of life and, unfortunately, some of the most tragic things were in Phoenix.  The list of sad things I've seen is long, so for this article, I'll stick to what I've seen in The Zone.  First, I saw a guy get shot shot in the head with a "zip gun".  I don't know if he lived or died, or what the dispute was about, I kept moving.  Then, I saw a man get beat down by two crackheads for a $5 piece of crack.  I've seen countless women give up their dignity and self-respect for a hit.  I saw a beautiful woman in a wheel chair blow crack in front of police with no fear.  I was jacked for $10 by some thug with a chrome 45 in his waistband.  I've seen a lot of people beggin' for dope and at the same time passing up food, clothing and shelter.  It's crazy.  The Zone is crazy!

     I pray for everyone that's in The Zone and every drug-infested neighborhood in the world.  Life is so much more rewarding sober!!!!!!!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TpFRXztF7Ho

Tear Jerker

A fathers joy, my boys RUNNING to church!

     That's how it was for me today at church, a tear jerker.  I had tears in my eyes for no other reason than I was happy to be at church.  I can't explain it.  I can recall one other time I had the same experience, and that was years ago.  I tell you, I feel The Holy Spirit working in me.  I'm happier than I've ever been and the only thing that's changed in my life is my dedication to The Father and The Son, Jesus Christ.  I still face adversity in my life, I'm on probation, I'm well under the national poverty level(we made less than $5,000 last year), yet my family and I have everything we need.  Our rent, for the last two and a half years, has been met every month, on time, all of us dress well and we never lack food.  Not only that, but The Father continues to give us gifts daily and we are able to recognize them and be thankful for them.  I love The Father so much, I'm inspired to share how wonderful He is with everyone I can, so I started filming a series of inspirational teachings and testimonies to that effect!  No wonder why I had tears in my eyes.  I'm so overwhelmed by the works of The Father in my life, it manifested itself in tears of joy.

Today's early service

     I'm looking forward to this week.  I return to school and start my third term.  I've got a vision of where I want to take my education and I'm excited to get my projects under way.  I'm going to continue my In the Addict series and my Recovery in Jesus video series this week, so be on the look out for those.  Everyone, have a Blessed week!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TpFRXztF7Ho

Check This Out!

     Man, I love you guys.  I love The Father and The Son, Jesus Christ, and I want everyone to know.
Today, I've got a special video I want to share with you guys.  It's my first broadcast in a series I've titled, "Recovery in Jesus", and in it I talk about recovering from addictions and how The Father can help anyone to do this.  I know you're going to enjoy it, as it gives strength to those who are battling addictions and may not think they can overcome them.

      So far, my day has been awesome, from the time I woke up, thru the time I recorded this message, to now.  So without further ado, here ya go!http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TpFRXztF7Ho

Thank You Father!

     Man I'm on Fire.  There's no denying The Holy Spirit!  So far, I've had a full day of inspiration from everything I've seen and heard.  I can't recall a time that's happened.  It certainly cannot happen without Jesus Christ.  I mean, my Spirit feels great.  I'm going to share this with as many people as I can!

     First, allow me to offer prayers for all of my brothers and sisters in Japan.  Father, continue to comfort, heal and lead them, in The Name, and The Blood, of Jesus Christ, Amen!

     So, physically, I'm a bit under the weather.  I can't tell if it's allergies or a cold, but I've been coughing and sneezing and blowin' my nose all morning.  So for strength, I focus on The Father and how wonderful he is.  I also spoke my healing into effect, counted my blessings, and took a hot shower.  I've errands to run and a class to attend later so you know I'm leanin' on Father for strength and energy.

     Anyways, I can't get enough of The Word.  I was reading a blog earlier, Sacred-encounters, and I was inspired by something that was written there.  Here's the quote, "I need to incarnate the message so that it no longer remains just mine and is for the benefit of those God choses."  Reading that made me realize that I need to share my blessings with others in order to receive the blessings in full.  That revelation right there should be obvious but I don't believe I practice it enough.  Which brings me to my next inspiration which I received shortly after the first one.  I was watching Creflo Dollar and he was talking about how a Christian needs to operate in consistency to have breakthrough.  He used the illustration of a drop of water constantly dripping on a rock.  The water isn't as hard as the rock, but over a period of time, with consistency, the water will reshape the rock.  Now apply that to how the Christian is to operate, within himself and the world, with consistency, to bring glory to The Father and His Kingdom.  It reminds me of The Scripture that says, "worry about nothing and pray about everything."  There's also a quote that goes, "if you're praying you're not worrying, and if you're worrying, you're not praying"!

In The Addict Issue #1 Vol. 1

     Today's blog is a project that I've envisioned since 2006, when I was graduating from an outpatient substance abuse program at Native American Connections.  At that time, I had an idea about a magazine dedicated to people in recovery, about people in recovery, by people in recovery.  Fast-forward five years, and several relapses later and here we are.

     This issue is an introductory/background blog about me and will continue about the things that I and other people in recovery encounter everyday.  This particular excerpt is from an article I wrote on fear a few months ago:

     I never planned on being an addict. When I was fifteen and smoked my first “joint”, it was all for fun.  Smokin’ weed and drankin’ were par for the course when I was a teenager, however something else was going on underneath all of the smoke and partying.  It was avoidance, which is fear.  I would love to say that I didn’t realize I was running away from responsibilities while I was getting high, but that would be a lie.  I was fifteen.  I was young.  I was still a virgin.  I was in high school, facing new challenges, and most of them were scary.   

      Then hip-hop broke out in a mainstream way.  Hip-hop was something I could identify with.  It was raw, hard unashamed of what it was and proud of it.  I wanted that.  Shortly after hip-hop emerged I met some guys that were “hip-hop”.  They seemed like some of the coolest dudes and they were.  They had the new clothes, the slang, the attitude, the girls.  They could breakdance and they lived to party.  They didn’t care what people thought of them (or so it appeared) and nothing else mattered to them except for what they were doing.  It was awesome.  I wanted that and that’s what I got.  I started hangin’ out with them and started doing what they were doing.  Man, I was living.  I was having fun, I was free.  I was part of something new and exciting but it came at a price.

      The first time I was introduced to “bud” I didn’t get “high” and I didn’t see what all the hype was about, but the second time was the charm.  I smoked some “skunk bud” out of a six foot bong and nearly passed out after the first hit.  Woooo!  I was higher than giraffe hair.  After that, it was all down hill.  I loved the high and everything that came with it.  Pretty soon nothing else mattered to me except getting high.  The first thing to be affected was my schoolwork.  I started cutting classes, and when I did go to school, it was only to buy dope.  All the problems I was having in school including bullies, racism and hate, all dissolved when I was high.  In my junior year I finally dropped out.  I was working for a data entry company making money so I started rationalizing why I didn’t need school anymore.  I eventually went back to school and barely graduated, but my drug use continued.  Not only did it continue, it progressed.  

     I’ll never forget the day January 1st 1987, Oakland California.  I was down there with a couple of my friends celebrating the New Year and my homie introduced us to crack cocaine.  I’d never seen or heard of it before and I don’t recall having any inhibitions trying it.  My homie crushed it up and sprinkled it on some weed and rolled it in a joint.  When he lit it, it had a sweet aroma and made a sizzling sound.  When I hit it, my mouth, tongue and throat immediately became numb. The sensation was intense.  For about five minutes I couldn’t do anything except sit still.  I was stuck and I loved it.  Immediately following my homie said something extremely foul and partially prophetic.  He said, “Now you’re hooked for life” and laughed casually.  At the time I didn’t put much concern into his words, but that was the first day of a twenty-three year addiction and the beginning of a journey that would have dramatic ups and downs.

     As addictions go, mine was destructive, debilitating and nearly life ending.  Going twenty-three years strong on cocaine has dire results.   Needless to say I didn’t accomplish some dreams and goals I had set for myself.  I still experienced some successes though not on the scale I should’ve had I been sober, and I had many more failures that could’ve been avoided.

     One of my many failures was that of my first marriage and the raising of my separated children.  When my wife left, I didn’t care about anything.  I wanted the rest of what was left of my life to end.  I was in deep depression, my drug use grew and I became anti-social.  The reality was I was alone and I was afraid to go on living by myself so I avoided everyone and everything.  I let fear cripple me severely, to the point that I was having a negative impact on life around me.  People still depended on me, in particular my children and my parents yet I choose to neglect my responsibilities and feel sorry for myself, which is also fear.

     Thank God for his Grace.  During all of this time of self-loathing and misery, The Father was carrying me through my trials.  It was rough.  I was doing all kinds of foul things including, fornicating, compromising my integrity, and being selfish, to name a few.  The Father was still giving me blessings like another marriage and more children.  He also protected me from all types of harm by allowing me to survive several muggings by knife and gunpoint and a severe car accident that totaled the car but left my passengers and myself with only scratches.  The list is long for all the things The Lord has done for me.  I give all praise to The Father for everything He has given me.

   

Recharged!

     Woo!  I love The Father and The Son Jesus Christ.  I pray for the Holy Spirit to not just be in me, but to come onto me and open my heart, mind, and soul to all the gifts The Father has for me.

     My family and I went to our church, The Vineyard North Phoenix, and my spirit was instantly lifted as soon as I entered the foyer.  It was like a wave of relief swept over me, like the feeling a parent might get when they've found a lost child.  I feel great and I know it is all from the Holy Spirit.

     Attending church recharges my spiritual batteries, rekindling the fire in my heart for Jesus Christ.  I know this is a necessary process because when I don't attend church for an extended period of time, I feel drained and weighted spiritually.  This Sunday was no exception, as the previous week had it's challenges.  I must say, the challenges I faced were in no way comparable to the tragedy in Japan and my prayers go out to all the people in suffering and need.

      My pastor always says something that moves my spirit and today he said, "the Bible doesn't interest non-believers or people who haven't chose to follow Christ".  I believe that same logic also applies to attending church.  When I was "lukewarm" I seldom received any blessing or revelation when I would hear The Word.  Sometimes I was bored, sometimes I was aggravated, sometimes I even dozed off.  After I surrendered fully to The Lord everything changed.  Every time I read The Bible, I find some fire in it.  For example, 2 Corinthians 6:8 says, "We serve God whether people honor us or despise us, whether they slander us or praise us.  We are honest, but they call us impostors".  Man, that's hot!

     Scripture like that had little meaning to me when I was operating in my own power.  I couldn't even see or feel the power and strength Scripture gives.  When I decided to follow Christ with all of my heart and walk in obedience to The Word, I began to "see".  Going to Church after seriously deciding to follow Christ was a new experience.  I look forward to attending and I enjoy being there.  I remember the first few times going I had some skepticism, wondering if I was going to get anything from being there.  Do you know that every time I attend Church now, I get inspiration and strength from The Word.  See, now I know how to find it.  I tell you that I don't find these gifts in the same place each time.  Most of the time I do get strength and inspiration from the pastors message but other times I may get it from another Christian at the service or it may happen through the worship part of service or it may even happen through my prayers while I'm there.  No matter which way it happens, it happens!  Every time!  That's awesome.  That's why I look forward to going now, because I know feeling The Holy Spirit and receiving His gifts are guaranteed.  It always has been, I just didn't know what to look for or how to receive the blessings.

Japan's in our prayers

     I couldn't believe what I was seeing this morning on ABC news @ 5 a.m.  An 8.9 earthquake hit a bit outside of Japan which, in turn, caused a massive tsunami that just devastated an already ravaged country side.  There were damaged buildings, flooded cities, floating debris with all types of cars and boats and houses and fires on top of the floating debris.  It is incredible and I can't fathom what the people are going through.  My prayers are for and with all of the people that are suffering right now, everywhere!

I saw Jim Crow the other day

     I live in Phoenix, Arizona.  Home of hundred degree heat, saguaro's, the Phoenix Suns and good old fashion, white hot, hatred/racism.  One third of the state is Hispanic, which is awesome, to me.  I really thought we were past the days where skin color was an issue but that's just not the case.  As I said before, I'm ignorant to a lot of worldly issues, as I choose to be.  Who wants to deal with the stress of other peoples short comings and irrationalities and fears?  I just don't understand it.

     I grew up in Reno, Nevada, which isn't much different from Phoenix when it comes to the treatment of minorities.  However, in Reno, the majority of people there are Caucasian.  Growing up, I experienced racism first hand while in school, mainly by insensitive children who were throwin' around the "N" word like it was a frisbee, but the adults weren't much better and after awhile I accepted this kind of behavior as "the norm".  As a matter of fact, hearing the word "nigga" come out of anybody's mouth, today, does not phase me in the slightest.  I hear it all the time and in some of the strangest places and coming out of some of the most unlikeliest of mouths.  I've witnessed young white boys calling each other "my nigga".  I've seen the same in Hispanic youth and Asian youth.

     Anyways, the "N" word just doesn't have shock value anymore, but ignorance, intolerance and racism still does.  When I heard about the SB1070 law coming into effect, I instantly thought about the old Jim Crow laws that were imposed in the late 1800's thru 1965, mainly in the southern states.  In a nutshell, those laws purposely segregated Blacks from the rest of society.  I thought we were past all of that, but lo and behold, Arizona is specializing in making people, that aren't "American" or Caucasian, uncomfortable and unwelcome in this state.  What's the logic behind it?  I've heard many arguments from, "the Hispanics are taking away jobs," to "Hispanics are using up state resources," to "Hispanics are destroying our country with crime and drugs" and everything in between.

     The most shocking thing, to me, is the people who hold these sentiments. The MAJORITY of the people, in Arizona, that feel this way, don't have an education beyond high school.  The ones that do have an education, don't have much to brag about if their scholastic endeavors took place here, as Arizona is ranked nearly last in education in the United States.  Arizona had to create the AIMS Arizona Instrument to Measure Standards test scores a few years back because they found out that a large percentage of high school students were graduating without knowing how to read or write.  Imagine that.  How long has that been going on out here?  We can assume that some of those graduates from the '50's thru 2000 are in some decision-making positions throughout the state.  Add to that, Americans irrational and unfounded fears of people of color, and you have the makings of a racial powder keg.

     Arizona State Senate President, Russell Pearce, Maricopa County Sheriff, Joe Arpiao and Governor Jan Brewer are at the head of this "hate beast".  Together, they have enacted, passed and supported laws and sanctions that pump fear into the hearts of some citizens of this state.  Arpiao continues to have illegal immigrant sweeps throughout the valley.  Here's one of the problems with that.  If you're skin is brown, you're getting stopped on suspicion of being here illegally.  You could've been born in the United States, speak perfect American, married to a Caucasian and walking with the Pope, and you're still going to be stopped and interrogated for being here illegally.  Another problem is, when people are being stopped for immigrant status, they may end up getting arrested for something other than what they were originally stopped for and that's not legal, yet it happens often.

     I could go on and on about the happenings in AZ, but I don't have to.  All you have to do is turn on a media device and you will see something about Arizona.  To be fair, I must say that there are some positive aspects to Arizona and I'll share those with you when I find them!

Managing ANGER

     Spring break is right around the corner, and man I tell you, I can't wait for the time off.  I'm sure my current schedule isn't as busy as alot of other people but, for me, it's pretty full.

       First, I'm a full-time husband with all of the duties that entails.  Then, I'm a full-time father of two boys ages six and four and part-time father of two adults, twenty and twenty-one and a teen-age daughter, fourteen(my kids from my previous marriage).  My sons, that live with me, are in two basketball leagues, t-ball, karate, soccer and football.  I make it to most of their practices and games but not all of them.  Next, I'm a full-time student.  That may not be a big deal, but at forty-one it's a challenge.  I haven't been in school since '87 and things have changed a bit, like, when did letters start appearing in math equations?  Not to mention that I'm not computer savvy and I get hung up on the most simple problems concerning computers like, I couldn't figure out how to use the "enter" function on my laptop when I first got it.  For almost an hour I fumbled around until I "accidentally" pressed the mouse pad and "voila" magic.

     Anyways, I have classes four days week from 8 a.m. to 1 p.m. Monday thru Thursday.  This week I have finals, lots of studying, homework and due projects, then I have a substance abuse class on Tuesdays from 5:30 p.m. to 8:30 p.m. and Wednesdays from 5 p.m. to 7 p.m.  Did I mention that I'm on probation until 2012 and I have to give urinary samples four to five times a week, see my probation officer and a judge once a month and I do all of this on the bus system, which, compared to other metropolitan areas, is terrible.

     And now the courts have added an anger-management class to my schedule on Mondays from 5:00 p.m. to 7:00 p.m. for twelve weeks.  Quite honestly, I believe I deal with anger better than most.  I will admit that, for a long time, I didn't deal with it in a healthy manner as I had a tendency to keep my feelings bottled up inside and then I would self-medicate.  My aunt pointed out that I would possibly "blow up and out" on the wrong person or situation if I didn't deal with issues that angered me.  That situation eventually played itself out in manifestations of physical confrontations with my current wife.
She had her own anger issues, which I was not aware of when we first dated.  Then she put her hands on me and Hell broke loose.  We've had several physical confrontations with me ending up in jail on one of those occasions.  I don't excuse my behavior in any way and I do regret responding to her attacks with violence of my own.  I can't take those days back.  However, it's been many years since the last episode and we have matured and grown together in our relationship.

     Today, our relationship is very strong.  And peaceful.  The reason for this is Jesus Christ.  In Him, we have peace.  Without Him, we had strife.  It's that simple.  Man, I feel a lot better now.  Like I said, I know alot of you have schedules that are way more hectic than mine.  Sometimes it feels good just to vent and get it out.  See, I told you I was dealing with issues better!

Ignorance IS bliss!

     I recently wrote a paper about American morality and man was it a bummer.  The articles I read in my research were bleak and depressing.  I was physically ill after reading several articles about the education system, eugenics(controlled human breeding), American policy in other countries, war, same-sex unions, violence and sex in video games, movies, music and television.  The list goes on and it was all I could do from vomiting all over the place.

     I consider myself ignorant on many things including world affairs.  I've never felt a need to concern myself with politics and I take the unfortunate standpoint of being ineffective because I'm only one person.  Sometimes I argue with myself and try to inspire myself to be an activist and get involved with causes that are dear to me but then I read or hear something so overwhelmingly devastating that I go back to my ignorant state and stay hidden from the evil of this world.  Even now as I write this, I know I can make a difference if I try but I'd rather not face the opposition.  I also know this is what the opposition is hoping for and planning on.

    After reading those articles and pondering the weight of those essays and what I have witnessed, I believe something has been opened up in my heart.  It's been days since I exposed myself to that information yet today I still feel the pain and distress I felt when I first read it.  I'm disgusted with the wickedness of this world and America in particular and it's my time for action!   

Journal #17 Two Places that hold special meaning.

     The Truckee river and The Bay area are two places that are dear to me and hold special meaning.  I've spent many hours on the Truckee, fishing or just sitting on the shore lines watching the water go by.  It is very peaceful and often times I use to go there just to "get away".  I rarely caught any fish there, however the river is abundant in several species of trout.  There's a saying that goes, "the worst day of fishing is better than the best day of work!"  It's true.  Sitting on the river's edge is very therapeutic and I've solved more than a few problems by watching the water flow carelessly by.

     The second place, the Bay area, holds equal value.  Every time I go to the Bay, I don't want to go back home.  I remember the first time I went to Oakland.  My father took me to my first baseball game.  I remember looking down on the field and thinking aloud, "man, this place looks bigger on t.v.  I think I could hit a home run here".  Of course that was impossible as I was only nine years old, but hey, when you're young, you think you can do anything.  Later, when I was a teenager, the Bay served as a rite of passage as my friends and I frequently traveled down there, unencumbered by adults, to run freely through the streets of Oakland, Frisco, Hayward, Vallejo, Stockton and Sac.  Those times had a big part in shaping who I was to become later because I was exposed to things I had never seen before.  The Bay is more progressive than any place I've ever lived.  Music trends, fashion styles, and language are, at a minimum, six months to a year ahead of Reno and Phoenix.  I love the Bay and I'm certain(Lord willing) that I will live there eventually.

Pot said, "Who you callin' black, Kettle?

     So, I was on the bus, going home from a light day at school, when I overheard a conversation between a lady and a gentleman.  The gentleman said, "excuse me, are you from here(Arizona)?" At which the lady responded, "f%ck no, I hate it here!  The people here are rude and abrasive!"  Man, I almost fell out of my seat.  I grabbed my bible(seriously) and started "looking" at some scripture.  However, I couldn't concentrate because I was still "ear hustling" their conversation.  They both continued on about Phoenix and the people here and where they originally came from(California).  The lady said she was done with this town and it's people and the gentleman concurred and announced he was also leaving, albeit temporarily to go on tour.

     Now, it was all I could do to keep my mouth closed and not say anything.  I wanted to point out that first, she has some nerve calling people out here "rude and abrasive" when every other word coming out of her mouth was the f-bomb.  Second, I wanted to point out that, what you "put out" is what you get back.  No wonder why all the people she's encountered seemed "rude and abrasive".  Look how she carries herself.  No other civilized, decent person would even consider engaging her in a conversation.  The only people who would, are "rude and abrasive!"

     Now I'm not perfect and I'm surely not judging this woman.  As a matter of fact, I shared her same sentiments not even less than a few years ago.  I'm still not overly fond of Phoenix but I've made some significant changes in my life that have allowed me to see things in a different perspective.  See, when I surrendered myself to The Lord Jesus Christ, I attained a peace and understanding that I hadn't known before.  When I was operating in my flesh I was doing all sorts of foul things and I was around all sorts of foul people.  I was so deep into myself that I believed that ALL of Phoenix was foul.  I believed that evil dominated out here, that there were more "unclean spirits" than good people out here.  Then things changed.  I started meeting good people.  I started meeting a lot of good people.  I started seeing more of Phoenix than the corrupt, evil, drug infested city that I first came to know.  Once I made a change in myself, namely following Jesus, my environment and the perception of my environment changed.  There's still foul people out here but I don't engage them and they don't engage me.  Scripture says Satan will flee you if you resist him.  It's true.

     So, my point is this.  No matter where you are or where you go, you control your environment when it comes to being a positive or negative person.  I'll expound on this some more but right now I've got to go.

Journal #16 Is it o.k. to break rules?

     Rules, rules, rules, and more rules.  There's so many rules that I couldn't keep up with all of them if I wanted to.  Did you know that, in Phoenix, you have to walk on a sidewalk where a sidewalk is provided?  I found that rule out after an undercover gang task force unit went out of it's way to give me a citation for walking two feet off of the sidewalk.  That cost me $140 dollars, but how much did it cost the taxpayer? Hmmm.

     Anyways, in general, I recognize only a few rules, starting off with the Commandments, then, some state and federal laws, only because I'm on probation, and finally my own personal rules.  Breaking any of those rules has dire consequences from eternal damnation to incarceration to disappointment, depression or worse.

     The good news is I haven't broke any rules in quite a long time.  Following Christ has taken me to a whole new level where I'm not easily tempted to break rules.  Following in obedience to The Word has paid off in dividends in every aspect of my life.  I haven't been incarcerated in months, my stress level is non-existent and in general, I'm at peace!

Sound Off

     Where are my Christian Brothers and Sisters?  Everywhere I go, I'm on the look out for Christians, in group meetings, at school, on the bus, at restaurants, at my children's sporting events and even at church.

     Let me be specific, I'm looking for Christians that are on fire and can profess their love for The Father openly.  I know it may not be easy to proclaim your love openly for anything, including The Father and The Son Jesus Christ but I know that if I can do it, and I can and do, then others are able also, and that's who I'm looking for.  I get strength from my brothers and sisters in Christ when I am able to see them rejoice and proclaim their love in The Father.  That's also why I do it, because I know when other people can see me openly confess my love, it is easier for them to do it.

     My son plays basketball in a Christian league and during half time, the director comes out and addresses the parents with current events in the league and church and then he gives some scripture after which he asks if anyone has any confessions, prayer or testimony to the good works of The Father in their lives.  For the first couple of weeks I eagerly awaited to hear other peoples stories and confessions of love, but no one came forth, so I told my wife that I wanted both of us to speak the following week in front of the gathered parents.  My wife was all for it and during that week we considered what we would say.  My wife actually wrote down a small essay type testimony talking about the things The Father had done in her life which was great, however I had to remind her that we only had five minutes between both of us so we had to use that time wisely.  I told her I was going to rely on The Father to give me the words to say and that's exactly what I did.  When half time came around, my wife and I went down to the microphone and I first thanked the coaching staff for their wonderful sacrifice of time and effort in coaching our sons and daughters and then I spoke about my hesitation of coming in front of people and publicly proclaiming my love for The Father and The Son Jesus Christ but if I am able to do this publicly, then Jesus will do this for me also.  How powerful is that, to have Jesus proclaim his love for you to The Father?  I can't think of anything more awesome than that.  That's Hot!  My wife reiterated my sentiments and we left the floor to applause.  Afterward, I told her to watch what would happen next week.  As the next week approached, I anticipated some fellow Christians to step up and give some testimony but when half time came again, no one stood up to say anything.  I was disappointed.  I waited again for the following week, but it was the same thing.  As a matter of fact, it's been a month now and still no one has stepped up.  It is sad, and disappointing, hence the reason for this post.

     I continue to publicly confess my love for The Father and I continue to look for my Christian brothers and sisters wherever I go.  I know you're out there.  Sound off, step up, let The Father know you love him and you want every one to know!