The love of my life

     This is an ode to my beautiful wife Jori.  I love this woman with all of my heart and more than words could possibly describe.  She is an incredible woman and I don't say this because I am married to her.  She's special and that's evident by all of the people that love her.  I use to be amazed at all of the people, who were strangers to me, that know her and sincerely care for her.  She is very charismatic, charming and a bit quirky, but overall fun to be around.

     My love for her only grows stronger as time goes by.  We've been married for seven years and together for ten.  She's given me two sons, who, by all accounts, are wonderful boys.  She's an excellent mother, she's a great caregiver and housewife but most of all she's my best friend.  This woman has been thru it and back with me.  Man, I could tell you some stories that would make your toes curl like the wicked witch from the west when that house fell on her.  Let's see, we've had blessings(many), cursings(felonies, adultery, divorce, beatings) to name a few and yet here we are, 2011, going on our eighth year of marriage.  Man, if we made it thru that stuff, nothing will break us.

     Today, our marriage is strong because we recognized how good The Father and The Son Jesus Christ has been to our family.  Now, we follow in obedience to The Word and man has it paid off.  We have a peace in our relationship that is not attainable without Jesus Christ.  I'm not b.s.n' bro'.  What Jori and I have is love that comes from knowing God.  It withstands earthly trials and tribulations because it is Heavenly ordained!

Walking in Faith

     Walking in Faith requires you to let go of things you previously believed in, before you were saved.  I tell you that being a Christian is no easy task yet the benefits are incalculable.  I can hear people mumblin' and grumblin' about things they may have to give up in order to follow Christ, but I don't hear much about how fun it's gonna be in Hell.

     Anyways, I was watching Andrew Wommack, on my laptop, and he was talkin' about walking and seeing in the Faith instead of in the natural.  After listening to him, I concluded that I would ask The Father to allow me to "walk" in Faith and let me see, through The Holy Spirit.  I believe we have the ability to do this, we just don't exercise it.  I believe I've already been doing this to a limited extent.  I can think of many situations where I operated in such a way that I couldn't explain my actions rationally and yet my decisions turned out positive and beneficial.  I remember several times when I turned down sexual advances that I would have otherwise jumped at immediately.  My flesh was all for the liaisons, yet my spirit was not and I followed my spirit.  I recall a couple more situations that were similar but my flesh was trying to overpower me.  I prayed hard for The Lord to get me through those situations, and He did.  I could see the unclean spirits on those women look at me with contempt and disbelief that I was resisting my flesh and reaching to The Father for help.

     When I decided to "get off the fence" and quit being lukewarm for The Lord, I was able to see a lot more.  Man, I started seeing clearly how foul my flesh is.  I began to see the subtle and blatant attacks Satan uses against me.  I  began to see, hear, and feel the gentle guidance the Lord was giving me.  I know Jesus has always been there for me, but I wasn't able to respond to Him while I was following my flesh.  Quite honestly I wasn't tryin' to hear Him while I was living in me.  I was too busy doing the things that pleased my flesh, which was unGodly at best.  But even through all of the foul and corrupt things I was doing, The Father was with me and in me and here's how I know.  There were times when I would be around people, or in places where I could feel supernatural things around me.  I could sense unclean spirits in my immediate vicinity, even though I couldn't see them.  This is not something that you can do naturally, however we all have this ability to some degree and I've noticed that when I operate in The Holy Spirit, my discernment abilities are different.

     I can say this with certainty, when I allow the Holy Spirit to work in me and when I stay close to The Father and The Son, Satan flees me.  Walking in Faith gives you many strengths and gifts, but it takes sacrifice(that is well worth it) on your part!

Words or weapons, which is stronger? Journal #15

     Ooooh.  I'm gonna love this one.  I've always been an advocate for thinking before speaking.  It's amazing how powerful words are and  how frivolously people use them.  Words have the power to build or destroy and often times we, as people, either forget or don't realize how important they are.  I've realized from a very young age, the power of words.  My elementary teachers were very quick to give praise to students for their good works and in turn, made the students embrace their teachers.  Later in years, when a supervisor would give praise for a job well done, that served to reinforce good moral and work ethic.  I was able to see the effect of positive words first hand.  Now, in my adult life, I am able to say positive, kind words to others and reap long lasting benefits.  It is so easy to say something uplifting to anyone.  It feels good to do so.  I would much rather say something positive to someone than to say something damaging or negative because I get more out of seeing someone smile than frown.

     In conclusion, weapons can kill and destroy the physical reality.  That's it.  Words can kill and destroy your soul or give hope and encouragement!

Testing Faith

     I was in a substance abuse class earlier and one of the forum questions was, "Why is it important for your recovery to have a spiritual component"?  One of the gentlemen responded by saying his faith is tested when he's going through rough times in his life.  That statement made me think about faith in general.  In my experience, I've found that my faith is tested when things are going good in my life.  I use to have a tendency to forget why things were going so well in my life.  My prayer life would become nearly non-existent because things would be going so well.  I would forget to thank the Father for all of the blessings He had given me and I would operate in my own power.  And then, pow, right in the kisser!  Everything would fall apart and I would be back at square one or worse.

     See, having faith isn't just about believing in and praying to The Father when you need something or when times are hard.  It's about giving praise to The Father for everything, all the time.  When things are going good, give praise.  When things are going bad, give praise.  Give praise in everything you do and be thankful for everything you have, even if you're homeless, have cancer, in prison, lost a loved one, hit the lottery, found a friend or whatever the case may be.  Give praise and Our Father and Lord Jesus Christ will reward you with His Grace!

Journal #14 An Alien Vs. Dracula. Who wins?

     Today's English 098 journal is light fantasy.  Drac' vs. Alien.  Don't know who would come out on top of that confrontation but I'm leaning toward Alien.  Drac' has too many known weaknesses to pose a threat to Alien.  First, Drac's physical body is mortally ill of garlic, sunlight, Holy water, and strong Christians, to name a few.  Also, Drac' can only operate at night, which gives his enemy all kinds of time to plan his destruction.  Not to mention that Aliens blood is highly toxic and on some occasions acidic so he wouldn't have to worry about Drac' biting him.
     However, there may be some hope for Drac'.  He is a supernatural being with qualities that don't have natural boundaries.  Though his physical body may be destroyed, his spirit is able to transcend and encompass other bodies giving him a virtually unlimited supply of bodies to possess and an immortal quality.
     Still, I would side with the Alien.  Anyone or anything that would oppose a demon, is a friend of mine!

Controlling the Tongue

     The content of your conversation reflects what is happening in your heart, which is a good indentifying mark of a Christian.  Simply put, you can't rightfully claim to be a Christian if every other word coming out of your mouth is a curse.  If your conversations involve gossip, slander, lewdness, profanity, abusive overtones, lying, deception, or deceit, to name a few, then you are not promoting Christianity or the works of The Lord.  James 3:2 says, "Indeed, we all make many mistakes.  For if we could control our tongues, we would be perfect and could also control ourselves in every other way"!  I know this to be truth not just because it's in the Bible but also because I've seen the fruit of my words, good and bad.

     Words are so powerful that it is imperative you think before you speak.  Words have the power to build up persons or situations, but they can also tear down and destroy people.  Obeying God's commandments includes loving one another as you would yourself.  If you have love in your heart, then it will come out of your mouth.  If you have hate in your heart, that too will come out of your mouth.

     Now I will be the first to say that I haven't always been able to control the things that come out of my mouth.  I'm human and not perfect.  However, I consciously think about the things I say, before and after I say them.  I have a lot of success biting my tongue before saying something damaging.  This would be a sign of the love I have for others as I am able to consider what may or may not hurt someone.  Sometimes I'm not successful, but I never intentionally try to hurt anybody.  To me, it's much more rewarding to say something positive to the people I interact with than to engage in negative conversations.

      Scripture points out that if we are able to control our tongues we will be able to control every other aspect of our lives.  That's huge.  If you can control your tongue, you can control your anger, your lusts, your behavior, your perspectives, everything that is within your personal control.  I know this is also truth because I've been able to control all types of un-godly desires as I've been able to control my tongue.  I'm able to resist temptations like adultery, stealing, lying, drug use and more.  I'm still a work in progress and everyday presents it's own obstacles but they are lessened by the control of my tongue.




   

Difficult People

     In today's sermon, my pastor said, "being a spiritual person means a person who relates to difficult people".  He said, basically, if you are around people that you always agree with, you will not grow spiritually.  You need to be around people that are difficult in order to learn and receive grace in areas of patience, tolerance and acceptance.

     I often use to say, "man, these people better be thankful for my wife because if it weren't for her I would've killed a lot of them", or at the very least, told them what I really thought of them.  Dealing with my wife however, has been a trying experience in itself, but I tell you this, because of her, I have learned how to have extraordinary patience.  Relationships can be trying at times, but my wife seemed to intentionally make ours harder.  She would do some of the foulest things and bring me to a degree of anger that often precedes violence.  I use to tell her that if she was a man, doing the same things, that would have been his last breathe.  During those times, my coping skills weren't the greatest.  I would usually go to drugs and alcohol.  Matter of fact, I would crack a beer open after disputes with my wife and feel instant relief from the drama.  Needless to say, this behavior only fueled my addictions and ultimately worsened the situation.

     Thankfully, The Father is so wonderful, that He gave his Grace to me and brought me through these trials.  Because of His Grace, my marriage is stronger, my vices are controlled, my life is better, my family is happy and I'm good.  Had I been surrounded only by people that only agreed with me, I would never have reached a level of peace that comes with patience and tolerance.  I would still be operating in a superficial world, where everything revolved around me, and I could care less for others or what they were going through.  What a miserable existence.

     Now, when I'm around difficult people, and that's often, I'm able to deal with them easily, almost laughably.  I don't feel like choking the life out of them and for the most part, I don't notice them.  Just another example of the many blessings from The Lord!

Plenty stays still, hunger travels-Zulu proverb: Journal #13

     According to this proverb I'm in stagnate water.  I'm content in my life, I don't hunger for more.  I am so blessed by The Father that all of my needs are met allowing me a peace and freedom that can only be gained by knowing Christ.

     I am happy with all that I have.  I don't take for granted everyday of good health, of shelter and clothing and nourishment that I have.  Sometimes I feel guilt or unworthiness of the blessings I have received because I have so much and some people have so little.  I rejoice daily and give thanks because I'm at a point in my life where I don't have worries.  I pray for others to be able to receive the blessings The Lord has in store for them.

Who taught you to love? Journal #12

     The question that immediately popped into my mind was, "Can love be taught?".  I don't know the answer to either one of those questions.  I can't imagine not knowing how to love.  I believe love is instinctive, reflexive and infinitely interpretative.

     Love cannot be defined simply.  Honestly I'm having trouble with this journal because love is indescribable.  I guess I can say that as I was younger I witnessed many forms of love from many people.  My parents, teachers, family, friends, neighbors, strangers all are contributors to the love I've seen.  I still have awe from the fact that God loves us so much that He gave His Son as sacrifice for my sins before I was even created.  Now that's love.  I know I would easily sacrifice my life for my children, but for perfect strangers, I don't think I would volunteer as easily.  And since I'm on the subject of God's love, I believe He gave us the ability to love, as He did the ability to discern right from wrong.  His greatest commandment is to love one another and He wouldn't have told us this if we weren't capable of doing it or had to be taught how to do it.

Can you see God?

     One of the most common misconceptions amongst non-believers and believers is that God is either non-existent or invisible but I am here to show you how you can see God.  It is simple once you know what you are looking for.  If you're looking for an elderly man with long flowing hair wearing a toga and sandals you may not see him.  If you're looking for a man with lightning bolts laying on a cloud, you may not see him.  If you're waiting to see oceans part and mountains move, you may not see him.  However, if you look closely at your life and analyze the things that are happening in your life, you will see him.

     Everyday we have the opportunity to see God and His works in our life.  I will tell you that from my own experiences I was blind to God for a long time and it wasn't because He was hiding from me rather than me not seeing Him.  I went through life mistakenly thinking that I was creating my existence.  I really believed I was the one responsible for all of the things that were going on in my life.  That was pretty egotistical on my part to believe that I was the man, that I was creating life, revenue, happiness, pleasure or pain or anything that I wanted.  Even now that sounds ridiculous.  Thankfully, The Father showed me the error of my ways and, in retrospect, He did it gently.  I lost some things that I thought were important like money and cars and houses and businesses.  I lost a marriage, lost people who I thought were friends, I lost my self-respect, I even lost my mind for a considerable period of time.  But through all of that I made it.  I didn't kill myself even though I tried to.  So where was God in that equation?  Everywhere!  As He always is, always was, always will be!

     There are too many factors working in my life for me to believe there is no God.  Too many things that cannot be explained other than by Divine Intervention.  My wife and I have been unemployed since 2008 yet we have maintained our apartment.  We get help from a lot of sources but why?  There are a lot of people in similar situations that aren't getting the same help.  There's a lot of people that are financially stable yet spiritually poor, unhappy and unfulfilled.  I see God everyday when I wake up and see my family sleeping peacefully in their beds.  I see God when I leave my apartment and realize I get another day to live.  I see god when I look at the sky and the scenery as I walk to the bus stop.  I see God when I face the judge in the court system and I'm able to handle everything that is handed to me.  I see God when I see my parents and how forgiving they are after everything I've put them through.

     God is everywhere I just didn't see Him before because I was only seeing myself.  Take a look outside of yourself.  Take a look at yourself.  It may not be the easiest thing to do but once you can see beyond yourself you will see God!

Is fantasy productive? Journal #11

     I believe fantasy plays a huge role in society.  Ideas are created by imagination.  People often daydream or fantasize about different lifestyles, status, relationships, money etc.  Imagine a world where no one fantasized.  First, that's a fantasy.  Second that would be a sad state of affairs.  The world would be bland, no creativity, no individuality, no excitement.

     Fantasy allows you to imagine anything safely in the confines of your mind.  Psychologically, fantasy  plays a critical role in mental development.  There are all types of cliches that have roots in fantasy like "if you believe it, you can achieve it" or "visualize yourself succeeding and you will do so".  Those things incorporate elements of fantasy for positive reinforcement.

  Fantasy provides an outlet or escape from reality.  You can take a journey away from yourself and do things and be things you couldn't otherwise do in reality.  I can't imagine life without the ability to fantasize.

What do you stand for?

     I heard a saying a long time ago that was, "if you stand for nothing, you'll fall for anything!".  This came to mind because we all have choices to make every single day.  Most days the choices are simple and minor like "what am I going to wear today?", or "should I stop by Krispy Kreme or should I stick with my diet?"  Other days you may have harder choices to make like "should I pursue this person even though I'm married?", or "should I take this money even though it's not mine and it's illegal?".  Those are just examples but everyday we all have choices and decisions that will forever shape and affect us.

     I believe everyone has the ability to discern right from wrong.  That being said, you can choose to do what is right.  Integrity is crucial to living a positive and good life and it's not just by what you say but also by your actions.  You should know that you can say one thing but your actions can say something totally different.  I was in a class yesterday and a gentleman was giving praise after which he followed that up by talking about all of the fornication he was involved in and how much he loved having sex with multiple partners.  This same man also said he would be there for anyone who needed any kind of help with anything.  I thought to myself that, though his help may be appreciated, I can't imagine allowing this man in my home around my wife and my children.  He already announced that he has no problem making poor decisions and has displayed no integrity.  He is quick to give praise to The Lord but his actions display disrespect for The Father and His Word.  Now let me point out that I am no one to judge anyone because that is not my job to do.  However, as a Christian I am supposed to discern right from wrong and apply it accordingly to all persons and situations in my life.  When I come across people, places, things and or situations that don't coincide with The Word, Christian ethics, or would compromise my integrity then I must make choices.  Like every man and woman ever created, I am not perfect.  I have made poor choices.  It is very likely I will make more.  However, I don't rejoice when I do make a bad choice.  I also don't brush it off or try to forget it or justify it.  When I make a poor choice my spirit immediately feels sorrow.  I ask for forgiveness and I repent, meaning I intentionally plan not to make that bad decision again.  I look to The Lord for guidance in everything I do because without Him I'm prone to following my flesh, my sinful nature and doing things contrary to The Word.  I can't afford to make even the smallest mistake when it comes to doing what's right or wrong because doing wrong, even if it's minor, gives an opening to Satan to steal, kill and destroy me.

     It's a battle everyday.  I still have work to do.  I'm currently trying to ween myself off of gangster rap.  I love the music but the lyrics don't coincide with what I believe.  It may sound like a minor issue to you however I realize that as long as I listen to people speaking death then I open myself up to death instead of Life.  Father forgive me.

    What do you stand for?  Are there ways you can make better choices in your life?  What do you want, Life or death?

What's the difference between wants and needs? Journal #10

     Being Christian helps with my perspective on wants and needs.  I use to have alot of wants that weren't in line with Holy Spirit and before I realized that I was often disappointed because I wasn't getting what I wanted.  When I look back I really didn't know what I wanted.  I thought I did but I didn't.  I was caught up in a very materialistic world and I put value on things that were of no spiritual value.  I wanted the "bling-bling" in watches and rings and jewelry.  I wanted the "old school" ride with 26" chrome rims.  I wanted every woman that ever walked past me.  I wanted more dope than "Scarface".
     Thankfully, The Father was kind enough and merciful enough not to give me those things because they surely would have meant my destruction.  I didn't look at it that way at the time but the reality was I was selfish and immature.  It took awhile to see and appreciate all of the things I already had and that my needs were being met abundantly.
     My wife and I have been unemployed for nearly three years yet we have maintained our apartment and food and clothing for our children during this time.  I give all the praise and glory to The Father for that because there is no other explanation other than The Father taking care of our needs.  I am very blessed.
     Today the things that I want are no longer centered around myself but rather for others which in turn is more rewarding.  The things that I need The Father is continually giving me and sometimes without my even asking.  I love The Lord!

Self Image

     How do you view yourself?  Are you more concerned with how you view yourself or how others view you?  I thought that was a simple question for me.  I was gonna blurt out I'm more concerned with how I view myself but when I stopped to think about it there was hesitation.  As much as I don't want to admit it, I do crave approval from others even if I act like I don't.

     Why do I feel this way?  On any given day I would tell you that I could care less what anyone thinks about me yet in my heart that's not true.  I chalk it up to my flesh versus my spirit.  My flesh wants to act like it's the greatest thing since sliced cheese and would dare anyone to be in opposition to it (even me)!  My spirit on the other hand is the direct opposite.  My spirit will put others before me, is kind, considerate and polite.  My spirit has a special gift of being uplifting to others.

     I can show you the disparity between my spirit and my flesh.  Look at the pictures of me on this blog.  Now match up the words that I speak in this blog with my picture.  They don't match.  My pictures portray a man that looks like he'd be quick to do foul yet my spirit is the opposite of that.  I could've posted some pictures with a suit and tie on but instead I choose to pose in my "hood" attire.  My flesh is gangster, my spirit is compassionate.

     Anyway you chop it up, how you see yourself will manifest outwardly.  I've learned to accept myself for the good and the bad because both of those sides make the total.  Though I live in the spirit and The spirit lives in me, my flesh had a contribution to the overall making of the man that is I today.  Today I look at myself as a good man who loves The Father and will easily help my brother.  Nuff said!

Journal #9 No regrets

     If I make it to ninety-five years of age will I have many regrets over my life?  I don't believe so.  I'm currently forty one, have five beautiful children and I am working toward my first degree in college.  Some of the dreams I had when I was younger are still attainable and the goals I have for the future are reachable.  I don't look at life in a way where I see things passing me by.  If I set a goal and don't achieve it I don't sulk about it I just set another one or continue to pursue it.  For example, it's been a dream of mine to open up a sports bar type establishment aimed at teenagers, kind of like "Arnolds" on the t.v. show Happy Days.  I believe I will see this open up before I die.  If not, it was meant to happen.

     I'm able to put things in this particular perspective because I operate in God's time, not mine.  When I look at it like that, I don't worry about meeting a deadline.  All events occur when they're supposed to which frees me up from worries or regrets.  When I use to operate in "my time" things were hectic.  I often worked overtime spending very little time with my family.  Then I started partying very hard and ignoring life.  Both of those examples are extremes but the results were the same when I operated in "my time", chaos and sadness.  When I surrendered my life to The Lord everything in my life became easier because I am at peace with the flow of time and events.

     Now, before I start any project, I ask The Father for permission and insight and His Blessings.  Knowing that God is with me as I go through life makes facing challenges easier and therefore I have no regrets because I know I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing!

Phoenix frozen over!

     Brrrrr!  It's 36 degrees in Phoenix.  You know it's cold when you have to wear a coat in one of the hottest places on the planet.  I'm not complaining though, because nearly a million Americans are without power in below freezing temperatures across the country and even more are homeless so this minor inconvenience in weather is nothing to get in a funk over.  I actually prefer cold weather to hot because I can get more accomplished.  For example, when running errands in cold weather, I move quickly to get out of the cold as soon as possible.  I can make it to the corner store and back within ten minutes on a cold day.  However, if it's over 100 degrees, that same trip will take nearly twice as long as the sun drains my energy, hydration and will.  When it's extremely hot I put off doing alot of things until the sun goes down and by then my window of time has shrunk significantly and my day is nearly wasted.  Not to mention that the heat and sun turn me blacker than outer space.  Seriously, I've turned three shades darker since moving to Phoenix.  I went home awhile back and my friends commented that I looked like I had been vacationing in Nigeria because I was so dark.  My homie said that when I stepped off of the plane the street lights came on.  Damn, that's dark.

     On to other matters.  I love the Lord Jesus Christ.  I cannot profess that enough.  The Father is so wonderful that I am often in disbelief at how much He loves me regardless of my shortcomings.  Everyday is a testimony for me and I'm glad that I realize that.  Before I asked the Father to come and direct my life, I took for granted all the things that were happening in my life.  Thankfully, I was awakened and able to see the wonderful things The Lord has provided for me and The Blessings are continuous.

     As a Christian I'm happy to speak about Jesus and the things He's done in my life and those around me.  I've many stories to share about the wonderful things He's done and I will share them here and other places.  I would encourage all of my brothers and sisters in Christ to share their experiences with others as testimony to the good works The Father does for all of us.  There is no shame in sharing love and we should easily be able to confess our love for The Lord. 

     Personally, I love to hear other peoples stories.  A gentleman in one of my classes was telling me that he was required to do 60 hours community service for a court sanction he had received.  He went to a nearby church and did approximately 20 hours and the church staff was so thankful that they credited him the entire 60 hours.  See how wonderful The Father is.  He blessed this man with more than he had asked for.  That's how The Father gets down.  He always gives you what you need and more.  I love The Father.

Journal #8

     My all-time favorite food hands down would be Cioppino.  If I were on death row receiving my last meal, that would be it.  Cioppino is a fishermans stew with crab, shrimp, lobster, white fish, mussels, scallops, minced peppers, onion and bay leaves in a marinara type sauce.  I first discovered this piece of heaven in a casino in Reno and have since ate it at every venue that serves it which isn't many.  I finally pulled the recipe off of the internet and started making it myself with some success.  If the world were to end today cioppino would be my last meal!